An Ode to the Dance
It comes in all forms. Some of them are graceful, flowing and subtle. Most are slightly epileptic at best, moose mating trot at worst. Every possessor of huevos and bacon knows "The Crotch Dance;" That horribly awkward move you make in public desperately attempting to unstick your sweaty balls from your thigh, prevent the seam of your drawers from castrating you or remove your underwear from the dark, forbidden regions of your crack.
We here at HappySac present an ode to our very favorite Crotch Dance moves. We aren't terribly sad to never to have to perform them again, but ah, the memories.
The Squat: Most effective for underwear adjustment, The Squat is one of the most popular Crotch Dance moves. Bend gently at the knees. For extra oomph to the move add a bit of a bounce. Pro tip: You can also pull off The Hook & Squat for particularly invasive wedgies, hooking your index finger inside the elastic band of your underwear and pulling downward while squatting. The Hook & Squat is nearly impossible to successfully execute while wearing jeans.
The Leg Shake: Similar to the uncontrollable shaking of a dog's leg when you find that one spot on their back that feels really good when you scratch it, The Leg Shake is a rapid shaking of the leg. Effective for sticky balls though does nothing for wedgies.
Pocket Pool: Imagine you are at a bar, shooting some pool and you perform the cool guy move of juggling two billiard balls in the palm of your hand. This same skill is a brilliantly subtle Crotch Dance move. Slip a hand into your pocket and wiggle your digits until your main digit is resting comfortably.
Double Pocket Pool: Imagine you are back at the bar but this time you've had a beer or six. That same suave, adept palm juggling move becomes impossible; unless you use two hands. It doesn't look as cool, but you're drunk and don't care as much. Same principle for Crotch Dance, one hand in each pocket and you can poke, prod and glide your manhood back where it belongs.
The Pinch & Roll: Among the most ineffective of Crotch Dance moves, The Pinch & Roll is supposed to be subtle, graceful, a quick flick of the fingers and all your dangly bit problems are resolved. What actually happens is you either pinch your hairy purse too hard or they roll the other way, worsening the situation.
The Grab & Adjust: When The Pinch & Roll is not as effective as hoped for, most immediately transition into The Grab & Adjust, just putting it out for the world to know that your jingle jangles need re-tuning.
The Long Step: One of the easiest to incorporate into everyday motion The Long Step is exactly what it sounds like, taking the biggest step you can without falling over or pulling a groin muscle. Sticky balls solved, wedgie almost immediately created.
The Look Behind Stretch: Another of the more graceful Crotch Dance steps, The Look Behind Stretch requires you lay your hand delicately across your inner thigh, pulling down lightly, a graceful leg stretch and finally, a cock of your head over your shoulder issuing a "Hark, what approach-eth from the distance?" gaze. This last bit ensures that everyone watching this performance definitely does not know you are just adjusting your boy toys.
Fully Committed: When all else fails and not fixing your junk is going to result in an involuntary vasectomy, a man is left with no choice but to go Fully Committed. Pull waistband away, insert arm and jiggle those bongos for all they're worth. *Warning. Do not go Fully Committed around children, the elderly or near religious institutions. Just...don't.
Men have their tried and true moves, the one that works almost every time. We have one that's flawless. It is less of an embarrassing dance move and more of a getting-dressed-in-private sort of thing.
HappySacs is the end of humiliating public displays of ball fondling that are only kinda-sort of effective. Not only does it keep your crown jewels dry using a moisture wicking material, it is the end of wedgies. If there is nothing to go exploring, there is nothing to get stuck. Using a secure but no-too-tight elastic band means it stays where you put it.
Say farewell to the wiggling, palming, scratching and borderline creepy Crotch Dance and all its incarnations and contact us at HappySacs for your own piece of awesome.