Bro Snow: The Scourge of Men Everywhere
You've seen it on your clothes. You've seen it on your floor. You've likely spotted it in your bathtub, seen it at your mom's house and left gobs of it behind before a hot date. I'm talking, of course, about Bro Snow - maybe the #1 problem facing mankind today. What is Bro Snow? It's the white, filmy substance left behind on your body, clothes, and floor after you've applied Gold Bond to your balls. It's 2015, people. We have the technology to end this fight for good. Here's how we'll win:
Step 1: Understanding Why Bro Snow Has Persisted for So Long
Future anthropologists will no doubt ask, "If they hated Bro Snow so much, why did they put up with it for so long?" I'll tell you why, snooty future anthropologist: because the alternative was so much worse. How can you expect to pay attention in class if your balls are glued to your legs? How can you climb the corporate ladder if you know, no matter how high you go, your balls will still stink when you get there? And most importantly - how are you expected to woo a maiden fair if all you can think about are your balls cooking inside your pants? That's why we use Gold Bond. It is no exaggeration to say that it has helped mankind advance farther than any other innovation in history. But, like all gifts from the gods, this one came with a price.
Step 2: Tallying Up the Cost of Bro Snow
Take your hat off and keep your mouth shut for a moment. We're going to pour one out for everything that we've lost due to Bro Snow. Pour one out for the hours lost to sweeping up Bro Snow off of our tile bathroom floors. Who knows how many diseases could have been vanquished in the time we've wasted digging ourselves out from Snowfall. Pour one out for the anguish of our mothers, who never understood why she had to buy so much Gold Bond, and why it was always on our clothes. Sorry, mom - but this is war, and we all have our roles to play. And finally, pour one out for all the action that was lost when a willing lady saw the Bro Snow dotting our underwear and intimate areas. We did it for you, ladies.
Step 3: Embrace New Snow-Fighting Technology
Close your eyes and join me on a journey through a world of possibility. Imagine a world in which there is no Bro Snow...because there is no need for it. "Impossible!" you cry. "Such a world would never exist! You might as well imagine a world without balls!" There there, my short-sighted friend. We have the technology already. It's called HappySac, and it's the technological marvel your balls deserve. Ask yourself - why do your balls get hot, sweaty, and sticky in the first place? Answer yourself - it's because they're crammed into cheap underwear, smushed in between your thighs and camouflaged under your lush garden of pubic hair. What if you could keep them cocooned in a cool world of their own, free from the heat and danger of the outside world inside your pants? What if you never again had to adjust or apologize for your balls again?
With the HappySac, that's exactly what you get. It's a loose-fitting bag, held on with gentle elastic and made from luxurious fabric, that keeps your boys from getting jostled or smashed. It's like a cool, gentle safe for your family jewels. They'll still be there when you need them, and they'll be in mint condition - no Gold Bond necessary.
Join the Fight Today
If you're ready to make the world a better place for your manglobes, contact us today. We'll rush you your own HappySac so that your balls can finally get the royal treatment they deserve.It's time to live in a world without Bro Snow. Take that, future anthropologists.